Тема: перевод с шоссейного на английский

[omer]

Романтики, помогите с переводом....

"I'm out of shape"
Translation: I ride 400 miles a week and haven't missed a day since the Ford administration. I replace my 11-tooth cog more often than you wash your shorts. My body fat percentage is lower than your mortgage rate.

"I'm not into competition. I'm just riding to stay in shape"

Translation: I will attack until you collapse in the gutter, babbling and whimpering. I will win the line sprint if I have to force you into oncoming traffic. I will crest this hill first if I have to grab your seat post, and spray energy drink in your eyes.

"I'm on my beater bike"
Translation: I had this baby custom-made in Tuscany using titanium blessed by the Pope. I took it to a wind tunnel and it disappeared. It weighs less than a cough and costs more than divorce.
 
"I'll take it easy"
Translation: I'll take it easy while beating you so badly that I will make the Concorde SST look like a styrofoam glider.

"I'm only at 100 watts or so."
Translation: With my big toe. I can ramp it up to 400-800-1500 and 1800 watts and if I have to, also set myself to Broil (2200w), Toast (2400w), and Self-Clean (3500w) to mop your ass all over this 22% climb.

"Im not really a cyclist - I'm a tri-athlete".
Translation - I'll first hand your ass to you when we ride - and then I'll hand your ass to you doing any thing else.

"Oh, don't worry, this next sections a breeze"
Translation: You gonna die sucka!

"Don't worry, I'm slow."
Translation: Einstein was wrong. There is something faster than light: me!


"Don't worry, we'll only go on flat trails"
Translation: "Hope you don't pass out from all the wheezing you'll be doing"

 
"We'll share the prize money."
Translation: You'll never find me after the race.
 
"Don't worry...we're taking it easy and you won't get dropped"
Translation: See you at the next town tubby

"It's not that hilly"
Translation: This climb lasts longer than a presidential campaign. Be careful on the steep sections or you'll fall over -- backward. You have a 39x23 low gear? Here's the name of my knee surgeon.

"You're doing great, honey"
Translation: Yo, lard ass, I'd like to get home before midnight. This is what you get for spending the winter decorating and eating chocolate. I shoulda married that cute Cat 1 racer when I had the chance.

"This is a no-drop ride"
Translation: I'll need an article of your clothing for the search-and-rescue dogs.

"It's not that far"
Translation: Bring your passport.

This trail is a blast
 
Translation: I hope you have good medical insurance)

I think I might have a flat tire
 
Translation:  Slow down, will ya?)

I definitely have a flat tire
Translation:  Help me change it)

I don't have a low enough gear
Translation:  I've gained 5 pounds)

I've decided to buy a lighter bike
Translation:  I've gained 10 pounds)

I'm taking up clog dancing
Translation:  I've gained 25 pounds)


I'm carbo loading
Translation:  Pass the ice cream


I'm tapering
Translation: I haven't ridden in 2 months

The rebound was off, so I modified the damping. But then the elastomers were too dense, so I changed the oil and got rid of the stiction
Translation: I have a new suspension fork and you don't!


If you're a good bike handler, you don't need to wear a helmet
Translation: I'm so stupid a brain injury wouldn't affect me

Nobody needs a dual-suspension mountain bike
Translation: I can't afford a dual-suspension mountain bike

Dual suspension is the only way to go
Translation: I just dropped 3 months' salary on a dual-suspension mountain bike

She's a hammer
Translation: She's faster than me

He's a geek
Translation: I'm faster than him

I bonked
Translation: All I took for a 4-hour ride was a half-empty bottle of month-old OJ and a moldy Twinkie

If you don't crash, you're not going fast enough, dude!
Translation: I crash a lot

I don't own a car
Translation: I'm a better person than you

Why doesn't somebody do something about all these potholes ?
Translation: Why doesn't somebody else do something about all these potholes?

I do all my own bike maintenance
Translation: When I squeeze the front brake lever, the bike shifts gears

Thanks for waiting
Translation: Wipe that smug grin off your ugly face

Hey, did you guys hear about those new 1.8 gram carbon-fiber quick-release skewers with titanium springs?
Translation: I am a very lonely person

This section of trail looks doable
Translation: You first, sucker

I want to ride my bike to work, but...
Translation: I don't want to ride my bike to work

He's such a wheelsucker.
Translation: I can't drop him

She's always half-wheeling me.
Translation: I can't keep up with her

The town-line sprint is 100 yards beyond the next bend
Translation: The town-line sprint is 200 yards beyond the next bend

Been riding much?
Translation: How fit are you ?

Not much. You?
Translation: My anaerobic threshold is 250 and my resting pulse is 14

Nah, I've been really busy.
Translation: My body fat is 2%

Well, let's take it easy today.
Translation: Ready, set go!

Hold on, there's something wrong with my bike.
Translation: Let's stop so I can rest

My tires suck!
Translation: This climb is killing me!

Can you clear that drop-off?
Translation: I can, but I bet you can't

It's getting dark.
Translation: I wanna go home

This bike is a piece of ****!
Translation: I can't ride worth ****

I think I broke my arm.
Translation: There's a little bruise on my arm and I don't want to ride anymore

I'd jump that but I don't want to tweak my new rims.
Translation: I'm too chicken to try

This hill is easy.
Translation: This trail's pretty tough but I'm gonna try and lose you on it

That trail is boring.
Translation: I know I can't make it

Last one down is buying.
Translation: I'll make you feel like a loser and get a free beer too!

My bike was acting funny.
Translation: Otherwise I would have whooped your butt!

He's pretty good.
Translation: I know I'm better than him

He sucks!
Translation: He's better than me

That thing's a piece of ****.
Translation: I wish I had one...